I had to question Bishop Dance’s choice when he asked me to be the “young mother” speaker today. I’m not feeling so young lately. As I was getting my 3 year old son Crew ready one morning last week, I had thrown my hair up into a ponytail and had no make up on. He looked up at me and said, “Mom, I hate your hair that way.” “Oh” I said, “Really? Why is that Crew?” He said, “You look like an old granny!”
To further my insecurity, I got this adorable Mother's Day card this morning...
*translation
favorite food: Lasagna (it's not)
likes to wear: pants and shirt
while at school she is: watching TV
she likes to: relax
she doesn't like to: work
Mother’s Day is a day of celebration, however, I know that there are people that may find it difficult. There are people that may not have good relationships with their own mothers, there are others that are carrying the load of motherhood alone, some may have lost their mothers, or some may be struggling to become mothers. I want to be sensitive to these things and I hope the message I’m sharing with you today can apply to anyone regardless of circumstance or gender.
Shortly after Jim and I had our first born daughter, Hailey, I remember feeling (quite naively) like I had this motherhood thing down pretty well. She was such a happy baby. She slept through the night, took regular naps and rarely cried. I thought Jim and I must have been exceptional parents.
Not quite 2 years later, our second daughter Paige came along and we were promptly humbled. Thankfully, she was healthy, we were so grateful for that. Along with Paige’s good health, came a strong set of lungs that rarely quit screaming. Jim was working 60 hour weeks and studying for medical boards at the time. We would take shifts with her during the night so each of us could get a couple hours of uninterrupted sleep.
One night, as Jim studied, he had Paige in the basement with him. The only place we could really get her to sleep during her first 6 months of her life was her car seat. As he tried to settle her to sleep, he pulled the car seat closer to him where he studied on the couch so he could rock it gently. It was cold in our basement and he had a space heater running. Unknowingly, Jim pulled the car seat right up next to the space heater. Paige eventually fell asleep and in his exhausted state, so did Jim. I was asleep upstairs and remember waking up with a start 3 hours later thinking something was wrong, she had never slept for more than a couple hours at a time.
I ran downstairs to find Paige’s little body beet red, panting and sweating in her car seat under her blanket next to the space heater. I panicked, I ran her upstairs, put a thermometer under her arm where it quickly climbed to 106 degrees. Jim and I were frantic. We ran a tepid bath and as we put her in the water and I remember praying desperately to Heavenly Father that she would be ok. As she seemed to cool down, I decided I would take her to the emergency room, not knowing if her internal temperature had gotten to be so high that there could have been permanent damage. Thankfully, she was fine, just a bit dehydrated.
It wasn’t Paige’s last trip to the ER as a baby, but I’ll spare Jim the embarrassment and not go into detail about the time he mistakenly gave her adult nasal spray instead of saline drops. Let’s just say Paige has definitely given us an opportunity to grow. Shortly after we had Paige I remember thinking that in our little world we had gone from the frying pan into the fire.
When you are in the fire, sometimes it’s hard to recognize the value of what you are learning. But by the day-to-day refining process, meaning the problem solving, crisis resolution, mental stretching, disaster clean up, sleep deprivation and endless laundry we can be refined (sometimes by fire) into beautifully smart, aware, capable people. If we can remember this as we go through these experiences, it will add meaning and value to what may sometimes seem like the impossibly difficult or endlessly mundane.
President Faust said, “To be a good father and mother requires that the parents defer many of their own needs and desires in favor of the needs of their children. As a consequence of this sacrifice, conscientious parents develop a nobility of character and learn to put into practice the selfless truths taught by the Savior Himself.”
The key words to me here are sacrifice, selfless and nobility of character. Motherhood is one way in which we can become more like the Savior and to maybe understand a glimpse of the love the Lord has for us as his children.
There are a few women I know (and suspect there might be more) that have felt a little patronized on mother’s day, feeling like it’s a pat on the head and one day of recognition for the other 364 days of hard work and sacrifice. Others of us may feel guilty, that compared to all of the other wonderful mother’s, we fall short…this is the category I have fallen into in the past.
If I find myself in the trap of comparison or guilt, I have learned to try to use it as an opportunity to step back, to be aware of the negative feelings I have about myself or others, and make a choice to learn from that experience. Just stopping, recognizing these feelings and being aware of them, is a huge step in overcoming them. It sounds simple, but it’s true.
In D&C 3:9 the Lord tells Joseph, …”thou was chosen to do the work of the Lord, but because of transgression, if thou are not aware thou will fail.” We are human, we are meant to make mistakes, to let our egos take over sometimes. We are also meant to grow and overcome these hurdles to become more like Jesus Christ. If we can recognize our transgressions, we can progress and eventually overcome them.
Feelings of guilt on Mother’s Day may also stem from comparing ourselves to all of the other seemingly perfect mother’s that have perfect homes and perfect children, that seem to just be able to do it better than we can. I’m learning as a young mother, that this can be nothing but harmful individually and to our families. There are all sorts of mothers out there. I know mothers that are incredible educators to their children, mothers that are fantastic organizers and are able to teach responsibility and the value of work, consistency and routine, mothers that are willing to get dirty and silly and get on the floor and play games with their children, mothers that are kind and have endless patience and mother’s that are incredible spiritual leaders in their homes. I am learning that the key for me is focusing on what my individual talents and abilities are and how I can use those talents to meet the needs of my children.
One of my talents or strengths is that I am a communicator. I can talk, and I can listen. I’ll share an experience that I had with one of my daughters this week.
The minute I picked her up from school, I could tell it had been a terrible, no good, very bad day for her. I thought to myself “let the whining begin” and it did; she had 9 pages of homework, someone had been rude to her, her teacher yelled at her, no one liked her, nothing was fair…on and on. She was in a particularly unreasonable mood, I was tired and I didn’t feel like I had the energy to listen to the incessant whining.
However, this time, instead of arguing, lecturing her, or sending her to her room to sulk alone, I stopped for a moment and thought. I decided to make a conscious decision to be aware of my daughter as a person. I put my hands on her shoulders, looked her in the eye and in a soft calm voice told her that I understood, that I knew how hard life was sometimes. I wrapped my arms around her, and told her that I loved her and that everything would be ok. She instantly relaxed and hugged me back. After a moment she looked up and me and said, “Thanks mom, I needed that.” That was a moment that I could feel good about as a mother. In that moment, I felt closer not only to my child, but to Heavenly Father. It took stopping, and thinking and trying to be receptive to the Spirit. In Psalms 46: 10 it says “Be still and know that I am God.” This stillness, this awareness, brings us closer to our Heavenly Father.
As a mother of three young children, I am always seeking advice. The things I hear most often are:
- enjoy it while you can
- they grow up so fast, or
- you’re going to miss this someday
I must admit, sometimes it’s hard to believe this when you’re in the thick of it, when you’re sleep deprived, changing endless diapers, and being thrown up on and at your wit’s end. But I am learning that it’s true. I know that it’s important to live in the moment, to be present and conscious of what is happening in your life as it happens.
The saying “This too shall pass” has become a favorite phrase of mine. Not only does it remind me that the difficult times are often temporary, but that the sweet, innocent moments with my young children will pass all too quickly. This phrase has taught me to try to be present in the moment. To appreciate the challenges as well as soak in the precious moments of motherhood.
Through Nephi, Christ taught “ye must press forward, with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope, and a love of God and all men. Wherefore, if ye shall press forward, feasting upon the word of Christ, and endure to the end, behold, thus saith the Father: ye shall have eternal life.”
When my son told me I looked like an old granny, I don’t think he meant it as a compliment, but I think I’ll choose to take it as one. Most old grannies I know are wise, refined women. I am certainly grateful for my own mother and for the love and wisdom she has given me and for the grandmother she is to my own children.
I have a testimony of Jesus Christ and that we are here on this earth for a purpose. I hope and pray that we can each live our own lives consciously, to stop and listen, to be aware, so we can fulfill whatever purpose that may be.
